Have you ever felt displaced in life? Have you ever wondered what is supposed to happen next? Too much changing too fast? Just when you feel settled in somewhere-- you get all shook up again?!
That has been my realization of my life for about a month now. I thought I was safe for awhile since I have finally lived somewhere for 2 1/2 years but with the help of non-communicating neighbors, I am going to once again find myself homeless.
I am really trying not to complain because I have been blessed so GREATLY the last 2 1/2 yrs by the ability to live in the gorgeous house my brother bought (in hopes that he and his family could move in). We (rommmates and I) moved in here just as we had been kicked out of living in my Grandma's condo due to a loss of my cousin's husbands job. Luckily for me at the time my brother would buy his in-laws house and I would live here until the sale of their recently built house. Due to a crash in the selling markets just months after he purchased this home my 6 other roommates and I got to stay in what was supposed to origionally be "temporary housing". My heart has stuck here as I have taken care of this beautiful home. In January however something upset my neighbors (still not sure what) and they tattled on us to someone who called and told my brother we had too many living in our house (although room wse we have plenty of rooms for the number living here) and that he needed to become compliant to housing code.
Basically it has been a downward spiral since then and I am now living in a huge home all by myself and my Brother and his family will now be moving in the next couple of months (this decision was made this week). Which means, I will once again be homeless.
Being 31 and homeless is pathetic, I know! Just the thought of it makes my anxiety levels quadruple! Here I go being displaced once again. There are so many unknowns for me at this moment. And for a person who doesn't handle change well, my emotions are in a frenzy!
I was barely starting to build a new business of wedding catering and now what am I going to do? I won't have a kitchen with the ability to cook like I have. I am now back to square one!
Am I going to be able to triple my nannying business so I can survive and just eliminate weddings all together for this time? I won't have the storage space nor the kitchen space to continue with this type of business anymore.
I guess I just naively thought that this was going to work itself out and I would be able to continue my life as I've known it so it kind of caught me off guard when it worked so different than I thought it would. It came at a really trying and changing time in my life already and I really just don't know what to do with all this right now.
I really am just sorting this all out in my head as I type so I am sorry if this seems so random to anyone that is not in my head right now.
I would give anything right now for a consistent life with my own family and kids and not having to feel so transient all the time. I know that life also has many struggles and hard times but you go through them with someone else there with you, you aren't fighting it alone. Having said that, before you all think I am faithless, I do believe in the Lord's timing. I do believe all of this will come in his time. It doesn't make it any easier believing that. Only helps as a reminder. Although sometimes that reminder does give the glimmer of hope to many lonely nights-- don't get me wrong.
Regardless of how I should feel or not feel the bottom line is I feel displaced. I feel confused. I feel like everything that WAS just a month ago, is no longer. I feel challenged. I feel frustrated. I feel like a has been. I feel weak and I feel scared.
I know that none of these feelings are coming from the right source. I know that I need to get the peace that I can get from a higher, brighter source. Believe me, I know all these things! But first you have to face the hardship before you get around it or through it.
This next few months are going to be months of great change and challenge for me. There is so much going on in my life and I was ready for the other stuff until this new challenge hit now I am just full of so much confusion and can't wait till the peace comes.
I know everyone has felt this way throughout their life at one time or another or maybe you are going through this now. I know that great trials bring great character building. I have learned that many times throughout my life. I just need the courage that I have seen in so many of YOU to make it through yet another displaced moment.